Subject: HATED EX-COMRADE AND ENEMY OF TRACK DAVID BEDFORD
Regrettably, I am forced to interrupt my hard earned skiing holiday in order to address unfounded and malicious allegations made by the hated ex-comrade David ‘Dave’ Bedford. Ex-Comrade Bedford has told a ‘committee’ of ‘politicians’ that your beloved Supreme Commander and Dear Leader was aware of the illegal activities being conducted by our ex-comrades and enemies of the track in Russia.
Comrades, nothing could be further from the truth and ex-comrade Bedford or ‘Dave’ as he insists on being called has made himself look rather foolish in trying to suggest that he left me a ‘voicemail’ or sent an ‘email with attachment’. As you will be aware, at the time of these illegal activities, I had the lowly position of ‘Vice President of the Party’. I worked my way from this very insignificant and meaningless role all the way up to the position that I currently hold. To suggest that a party member as junior as a Vice President would have a ‘phone’ or access to ‘email’ is ludicrous.
Sadly, Comrades, this is what happens when you are the Supreme Commander and Dear Leader of a Party so revered as ours is. People are out to get you. It seems that Enemy of the Track, Damian Collins (note the reference to Satan in his name), is not to be trusted. When I answered his vague and largely irrelevant questions ages ago (last year), he praised me for being so forthright and open. This is precisely why he was so keen to suggest that they may need to see me again in the committee: because they enjoyed my honest answers. It seems that now Ex-Comrade Bedford has opened his mouth and cried foul, the hated traitor Collins has sided with ‘the authorities’ and wants to know ‘the truth’.
I can confirm that I will be able to share with the hated Satan-worshiping Collins what ‘the truth’ is and it will be no different to what I have already told him. I will not demean myself to address the nonsense that ‘Dave’ has been spouting about our Party. I will, however, appear before ‘the committee’ again just as soon as space becomes available in the Supreme Commander Diary. My personal assistant (Comrade Cram) has advised me that I should have a free slot at 3:30pm on Tuesday 2nd October 2030. I shall look forward to repeating my truthful statements then.
In the Party’s Greatness,
SUPREME COMMANDER AND DEAR LEADER COE