From the Capitol: Dear Leader Coe’s end of year message 2016

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From the Capitol: Dear Leader Coe’s end of year message 2016




It has been the first full year of my leadership since I took over from the Spiritual Leader, Comrade Diack in 2015. I am happy to declare a number of great victories in what has been an amazing year for the Party!

Naturally, the Great Event (hosted by our Comrades in Rio de Janeiro) was nowhere near as successful as the one arranged by myself in 2012. However, it was watched by a grand total of 1,996 people, which is far more than expected. I am happy to say that there were no cases of alleged cheating (despite the made up stories from ‘the authorities’ or ‘the media’) because I took the precaution of banning Russia from attending. This greatly upset the hated ex-Comrade and enemy of the track, Vladimir Putin, but I am not scared of him, his ability to influence presidential elections, his vast nuclear arsenal or his ever-growing global influence in any way. Facts are facts and the whole of Russia was cheating and the problem of ‘doping’ was entirely confined to the rogue sections of the Party that are based in Moscow. They have all now been dealt with.

Comrade Bolt and Comrade Farah were the stars of the show at the Great Event in Rio. Both paid tribute to what a great job I was doing as the Supreme Commander and Dear Leader. Comrade Farah said that I was ‘most definitely doing an amazing job’ and thanked me for liking a picture of him training with Comrade Driouch on Instagram. Comrade Bolt did a dance in front of the secure Supreme Commander suite and threw one of his spikes in my direction. Afterwards, he said that I was ‘the man for the moment’ and warmly shook my left hand as he left the stadium with his security detail at 1:30am.

In light of the very few isolated cases of corruption observed by ‘journalists’ exclusively in Russia, I have set up a Party Discipline Unit (PDU) designed to ensure that this can never happen again (even though it wasn’t my fault in the first place). I am delighted to announce that the PDU will be headed by the recently unemployed Learned Leader, Comrade Blatter.

Comrade Blatter was cast out from his Party by evil-plotters thought to originate in Russia and has been living in my Supreme Commander Palace ever since. While he has done sterling work ironing my shirts and making my tea, I, in my infinite wisdom, have decided that he is best suited to being put in charge of ethics. His first role will be to meet with Comrade Cram, who conducted a full and wide-ranging enquiry into Russia’s illegal activities and the ridiculous unfounded accusations that I was involved. Comrade Cram made a number of recommendations, including my staying in charge ‘forever’ and that I should have ‘absolute power over everything’. Learned Leader Blatter will be in charge of implementing these reforms. Comrade Cram will now take over responsibility for preparing my laundry and making the Supreme Commander bed every morning.

I am pleased to declare a Great Victory with regards to Party finances! As you will be aware the hated ex-Comrades and enemies of the track Adidas ‘terminated’ their agreement with the Party because they were cross about Russia’s behaviour (such disloyalty will not go unpunished, Comrades, we will rise up and punish the traitors of Adidas). I have now agreed a $5,000,000-year contract with new comrades and friends of the track Nike. The advantage to this new arrangement is that Nike will make their payments in cash directly to my office every year. This will save the Party from having to have a bank account any longer and I will keep all the money in the Supreme Commander’s safe in the bunker underneath the Palace.

In spite of what ‘the Police’ and other enemies of the track have to say about the goings on in our Party, it has never been healthier and 2016 is just the beginning. We will achieve great things together, Comrades, as we count down to the next Great Global Gathering in London next year. I know (because I helped decide where the GGG 2017 would be staged) that it will be incredibly popular and I will once again be feted as the hero of the Party.

In the Party’s Greatness,