Having had the world’s press repeatedly pointing out all of the many flaws with their Olympics, representatives of the City of Rio de Janeiro have confirmed they are pretty relieved that this will all be over soon.
‘Another couple of days of athletes crying because they didn’t do well,’ said one resident vacantly staring out into the ocean on Copacabana Beach. ‘Another day or so of everyone telling us how rubbish we are. Then we can just get back to normal.’
Insisting that ‘normal’ was not – as many of the world’s top journalists have suggested – gun-crazed gangs roaming the streets killing women and children, another Rio citizen broke down in tears when informed that the Paralympics will be starting in three weeks.
Confirming that winning title after title with little opposition was starting to bore him, Usain Bolt told reporters yesterday that he planned to run backwards in both the 100m and the 200m at the 2017 World Championships in London.
‘Let’s face it, we are all a bit fed up with running forwards,’ said Bolt in the aftermath of Jamaica’s 4x100m win last night. ‘I will just run backwards and see if I can still win. It might make the race close’.
At press time, sources close to James Dasaolu confirmed that the British sprinter routinely ran backwards as he ‘often forgot which way was forwards’.
The BBC have said that they will rerun Justin Galtin crashing out of the 200m at the semi-final stage from multiple angles during a ten-minute montage set to music by Gary Barlow.
Gatlin was edged out of the 200m Olympic final on Wednesday evening and Steve Cram, Colin Jackson and Gabby Logan have all said that it was their ‘Olympic highlight’. It is understood that Gary Barlow has written three songs specifically for the occasion.
A BBC insider told reporters that the montage would screen shortly before a twenty-minute piece expressing sympathy for Lizzie Armistead.
Saying that she ‘can and must do better in future’, Clare Balding has apologised to fans for a poor showing in Rio.
Balding was the stand out performer in London 2012, but failed to live up to expectations this time around. Many have hailed Hazel Irvine as ‘the comeback queen’ after knocking a lackluster Balding from her perch.
‘Hazel has been too good for me,’ said Balding last night. ‘I tried to get some banter going with Chris Hoy, but he was having none of it. I am disappointed. I don’t like to make excuses but I kind of feel like it wasn’t a level playing field. Hazel never had to put up with Chris did she?’
Quickly and quietly retreating to his hotel room after watching South African Wayde van Niekerk break his 17 year-old 400m World Record, Michael Johnson reportedly reached for his medal collection last night.
Gently stroking the 4 Olympic gold medals, the American choked back the tears as he promised the small circular pieces of metal that they would ‘be glorious again’. Remarking that these medals were ‘bigger and better’ than the ‘worthless’ Rio medals, MJ picked up his hotel phone and ordered a bottle of Jack Daniels.
At press time, the former double Olympic Champion was seen stumbling around the Rio de Janeiro Hilton in his Atlanta ’96 racing suit singing the American national anthem.
The water in the Olympic rowing area has turned dark red after a shark broke through the protective nets and attacked the Australian coxless fours boat. The boat was seen to rock violently as panicking rowers attempted to swat away the enormous Great White Shark.
‘It was a real shock,’ said one visibly shaken spectator. ‘The race was going as normal and the Aussies were leading. Then: BAM!’ Eye witnesses went on to describe how organisers scrambled to get a gun to shoot the shark but made matters worse after mistakenly shooting one of the rowers, Will Lockwood, in the shoulder.
At press time, all rowers were being treated in hospital as a school of hungry Great Whites was bearing down on the sailing venue.
Rio 2016 organisers were thrown into chaos this afternoon after no one turned up to watch the first daytime session of the athletics.
Despite scheduling the women’s 10,000m final for this usually low key session, IAAF chiefs were desperately trying to pack interns into the stadium this morning to ‘try and make it look popular’.
The stadium designers were more concerned at the security implications of a stadium with less than 100 spectators in it. ‘This stadium was meant to be full. It looks dangerously under capacity to me,’ said lead architect Raul Pedro Mendez. ‘I pray there isn’t an emergency or it will be a catastrophe’.
After being told that the afternoon session climaxed with the final of the race walking, Mendez went white and had to be excused.
An IAAF secretary who criticised the illegibility of Lord Coe’s writing has suffered leg injuries after being shot at the final of the 50m men’s rifle competition.
Laura Gomez complained to other administrative staff that she ‘struggled to understand’ Coe’s scrawl and that it ‘added hours’ to her working days. It is not known how Coe discovered such criticism, but Gomez was presented with a pair of tickets to the Olympic shooting (all expenses paid) later that afternoon.
An IAAF statement said that Gomez was ‘doing fine’ and that the tickets were ‘a reward to show how much the IAAF values loyalty’. It is understood that BBC Panorama journalist Mark Daly has since returned his free tickets to the archery.
Despite having no interest in track and field athletics since watching the Paris Diamond League on television, Bedfordshire mother Sally Jenkins has defended her decision to pay thousands of pounds to fly her entire family to Rio in order to ‘be a bit closer’ to French sprinter, Christophe Lemaitre.
‘We were supposed to be going to Crete for our holiday’ said 15 year-old daughter Katherine. ‘But then Mum saw the Paris race and has been talking about some guy called Christophe ever since. Now we have to go all the way to Brazil’. Adding that she caught her mother on the computer looking through photographs of a topless Lemaitre, Katherine conceded that she was ‘a little creeped out’ by the whole thing.
The Jenkins family do not have tickets for any of the Olympic events and are yet to have found accommodation. Sally has, however, worked out precisely where Lemaitre will be sleeping in the Olympic village and was seen packing a sleeping bag and a French phrase book.
Collapsing on the ground at Rio de Janeiro’s international airport, Usain Bolt’s solid frame finally surrendered to the weight of propping up athletics for nearly a decade.
Doctors rushing to Bolt’s aid confirmed that 100 and 200 metre world record holder’s body had taken too much and could no longer support a discredited and dying sport all on its own. ‘Unfortunately, over eight years of single-handedly taking such a heavy weight Mr. Bolt’s tired body has finally surrendered’ said a doctor observing the slumped 1.95m Jamaican being supported by emergency paramedics.
‘We haven’t even begin to take into account what a mental toll this torture has caused’ continued the medic as Bolt – now in an embryonic position on the airport floor – wailed uncontrollably and demanded his childhood teddy bear.
Saying that he had recently started drinking a protein shake after each of his thrice weekly four mile runs, Midhurst father-of-three John Jenkins is reportedly preparing for next weekend’s 3 mile village fun run like it is the Olympic final.
‘Dad finished fourth last year’ said 15 year-old daughter Katherine ‘and he keeps telling Mum that he is determined to ‘medal’ this time around’. Adding that her father’s decision to stretch his hamstring whilst waiting to collect her from school was ‘really embarrassing’, Katherine was looking forward to ‘the whole thing being over’.
At press time, 44 year-old Jenkins was doing strides in the back garden in a bid to improve his ‘top end speed’.
Representatives of the world’s population have today warned that they are unsure as to whether it could deal with Rio 2016 becoming a farcical disaster riddled with cheating and corruption.
‘We’ve got global warming. We’ve got terrorism. We’ve got war. We’ve got Brexit. We’ve got guns. We’ve got Trump’ said a concerned member of the world’s 7 billion inhabitants. ‘Once every four years we look forward to seeing a guy run really fast and then getting all misty eyed about a girl we’ve never heard of doing well in the canoeing or something. If that gets ruined, well, that might be it’.
Shaking his head at just the thought of stadiums not being finished, mass protests, drug scandals or yet another Lord Coe press conference, a representative of the world’s animal kingdom confirmed that they too ‘were really worried’ the Olympics would not save 2016 from disaster.
The Refugee Olympic team has arrived safely in Brazil following a tortuous Atlantic crossing in an inflatable life raft.
The 10 athletes – all chosen to represent the displaced peoples of the world – were forced to board their life raft on the coast of Portugal three weeks ago. ‘It is a miracle that they are all here’ beamed a waiting IOC official on Copacabana Beach, ‘it just goes to show how we don’t need Russian cheats. This is the Olympic movement in action’.
The IOC official refused to address the issue that it was probably hypocritical and cynical to invite a group of stateless athletes to highlight ‘Olympic Spirit’, all the while making a large number of Rio locals homeless in order to construct the Olympic village.
Speaking from the US PGA Championships in New Jersey, sources close to IOC President Thomas Bach confirmed yesterday that he was to launch an investigation in how ‘a sport as fundamentally soulless and boring as golf’ had been approved as an Olympic sport.
‘Yesterday morning the President was guest of honour at the US PGA Championships – one of golf’s four majors’ said a press spokesman ‘unfortunately, Mr Bach left after 33 minutes as he became very bored’.
IOC officials are scrambling to get their stories straight after Bach sent word from his plane that he was to fly back to Lausanne immediately to ‘discuss the matter’. One junior staffer told reporters that there was widespread concern that Mr Bach might discover that synchronized swimming is still an Olympic event.
Saying that it had been ‘a long two years’ since the World Cup and the last time the West’s entire media operation descended on his home in Rio’s favelas to take pictures and pat him on the head, 16 year-old Juan confirmed this morning that he was looking forward to the Olympics.
‘In 2014 I had maybe ten or twelve camera crews come through my house every week whilst the football was on’ said Juan who lives with his parents and four brothers. ‘They always wanted me to look sad and afterwards would hug me and whisper that everything would be OK,’ continued the teenager who catches a bus to school each day like millions of other children around the world.
Juan – who aims to go to college to study architecture – added that whilst he was flattered by the interest, he had no plans to ‘be adopted’ by any of the numerous multi-millionaires that had made offers since the World Cup.
Recalling how he ‘dabbled’ with the event when a schoolboy, 42 year-old NHS procurement manager John Jenkins has been telling colleagues how excited he is about the men’s hammer throw for the past couple of months.
‘John is really into his athletics’ said Sally Nugent who shares an open plan office with Jenkins ‘if you ask him to pass you something, he’ll often stand up as if he is about to hurl it across the room. Sometimes he’ll demand to know the world record just to make you a cup of tea. I think he made a final or something as a schoolboy’.
Jenkins – who has already booked August 19th as annual leave to watch the event – has reportedly been promising to ‘roll back the years’ and visit the local athletics club for some months. It is understood that ‘just as soon as his bad shoulder clears up’, he will join up straight away.
Vincius – one of the two Rio 2016 mascots – has died during a publicity trip to São Paulo. The Olympic mascot was understood to be struggling to adapt to the pressures of global media attention and had recently separated from a long-term girlfriend.
‘It is with great sadness that we confirm the death of Vincius’ said a Rio 2016 official, ‘Police discovered him in the early hours of this morning at the São Paulo Marriott hotel. Resuscitation efforts were tragically unsuccessful’. Adding that Vincius was ‘a special talent who is totally irreplaceable’, the spokesman asked that the privacy of Vincius’ family be respected ‘at this most difficult of times’.
Vincius – who was one third cat, one third monkey and one third bird – was seen touring São Paulo bars in the early hours of the morning. CCTV showed the mascot visibly upset and unsteady on his paws as he returned to his penthouse suite with several bottles of cachaça. Police have said that they are not looking for anyone else in connection with his death.
In the wake of international outrage at the recent state sponsored doping scandals in Russia, North Korean leaders have admitted ‘delight’ at not being viewed as the worst of the worst heading into an Olympics.
‘For the past four, maybe five Olympics we have been mocked and disregarded because of our ridiculous leaders, state sponsored killing, plans to end the world and mass starvation’ said a spokesman for the leader Kim Jong Un. ‘But this year, no one has really noticed our ever growing nuclear arsenal and threats to blow up Seoul. Instead they are all talking about Russia and drugs’.
Whilst conceding it had taken Kim Jong Un some time to come around to the idea that he wasn’t in charge of the most hated country in the world anymore, insiders say that the totalitarian dictator has really started to embrace it. ‘He’s right up for being the third or fourth most hated nation at the next Games’ said one source familiar with the regime. ‘He reckons that if Donald Trump gets elected President, we could overtake the US as soon as the Winter Games’.
Saying that it was ‘really disappointed’ not to have made the Olympic Deadly Threats team, the Zika Virus has said that it will ‘regroup and mutate’ in time for a major event in the not too distant future.
‘It’s kind of tough to think about anything at the moment’ said the Virus. ‘I knew that the vague nature of the threat that I pose made me a long shot for this particular Games but I hoped my teaming up with mosquitoes would make me stand out.’
The Virus has not reached the Olympic ‘A’ standard of 5,000 human deaths in the past 12 months, but the decision not to include it will be seen as controversial. ‘The Virus was selectable’ said an Olympic Deadly Threats fan, ‘and I was hoping the selectors would take a chance on an emerging talent. I just think that stadium collapse, religious fundamentalist terrorism and cyclones are too predictable’.
The President of the IAAF has pledged to personally inspect each and every urine and blood sample taken at the Rio Olympics and Paralympics in a desperate bid to eradicate cheating.
‘I am fed up with cheats stealing our sport’ said the man who counted Juan Antonio Samaranch amongst his personal friends. ‘I feel that the only way that we can sort this is by my personal involvement’. Carrying two large suitcases containing ‘testing equipment’, the former Olympic Champion insisted that he was the right person to clean up Track and Field.
Adding that the behaviour of the Russian Olympic team was ‘outrageous’ and ‘one of the worst scandals in human history’ the man who until recently shared a sponsor with Lance Armstrong and whose company advises the Saudi Arabian government, pledged that ‘athletics will be the cleanest and most trustworthy sport of all’ under his watch.
Beaming with excitement, recently divorced 54 year-old Londoner, John Jenkins, said that he was excited to see a ‘top quality match’ when attending the women’s beach volleyball final on August 17th.
Jenkins told reporters that he was a fan of the women’s beach volleyball because it was a ‘game of the mind before anything else’. ‘I will be really interested to see what tactics are employed by both teams. I hope that there are a lot of long rallies and it is a really close match’.
Conceding that he ‘wasn’t aware’ of a men’s equivalent of the event and not immediately being able to recall any of the rules, Jenkins insisted that his interest was purely sporting. ‘What are you? My ex-wife? Look, I just love the sport OK? I can’t wait to see them shank it or whatever’.