In the wake of international outrage at the recent state sponsored doping scandals in Russia, North Korean leaders have admitted ‘delight’ at not being viewed as the worst of the worst heading into an Olympics.
‘For the past four, maybe five Olympics we have been mocked and disregarded because of our ridiculous leaders, state sponsored killing, plans to end the world and mass starvation’ said a spokesman for the leader Kim Jong Un. ‘But this year, no one has really noticed our ever growing nuclear arsenal and threats to blow up Seoul. Instead they are all talking about Russia and drugs’.
Whilst conceding it had taken Kim Jong Un some time to come around to the idea that he wasn’t in charge of the most hated country in the world anymore, insiders say that the totalitarian dictator has really started to embrace it. ‘He’s right up for being the third or fourth most hated nation at the next Games’ said one source familiar with the regime. ‘He reckons that if Donald Trump gets elected President, we could overtake the US as soon as the Winter Games’.
Saying that it was ‘really disappointed’ not to have made the Olympic Deadly Threats team, the Zika Virus has said that it will ‘regroup and mutate’ in time for a major event in the not too distant future.
‘It’s kind of tough to think about anything at the moment’ said the Virus. ‘I knew that the vague nature of the threat that I pose made me a long shot for this particular Games but I hoped my teaming up with mosquitoes would make me stand out.’
The Virus has not reached the Olympic ‘A’ standard of 5,000 human deaths in the past 12 months, but the decision not to include it will be seen as controversial. ‘The Virus was selectable’ said an Olympic Deadly Threats fan, ‘and I was hoping the selectors would take a chance on an emerging talent. I just think that stadium collapse, religious fundamentalist terrorism and cyclones are too predictable’.
The President of the IAAF has pledged to personally inspect each and every urine and blood sample taken at the Rio Olympics and Paralympics in a desperate bid to eradicate cheating.
‘I am fed up with cheats stealing our sport’ said the man who counted Juan Antonio Samaranch amongst his personal friends. ‘I feel that the only way that we can sort this is by my personal involvement’. Carrying two large suitcases containing ‘testing equipment’, the former Olympic Champion insisted that he was the right person to clean up Track and Field.
Adding that the behaviour of the Russian Olympic team was ‘outrageous’ and ‘one of the worst scandals in human history’ the man who until recently shared a sponsor with Lance Armstrong and whose company advises the Saudi Arabian government, pledged that ‘athletics will be the cleanest and most trustworthy sport of all’ under his watch.
Beaming with excitement, recently divorced 54 year-old Londoner, John Jenkins, said that he was excited to see a ‘top quality match’ when attending the women’s beach volleyball final on August 17th.
Jenkins told reporters that he was a fan of the women’s beach volleyball because it was a ‘game of the mind before anything else’. ‘I will be really interested to see what tactics are employed by both teams. I hope that there are a lot of long rallies and it is a really close match’.
Conceding that he ‘wasn’t aware’ of a men’s equivalent of the event and not immediately being able to recall any of the rules, Jenkins insisted that his interest was purely sporting. ‘What are you? My ex-wife? Look, I just love the sport OK? I can’t wait to see them shank it or whatever’.