Speaking from the US PGA Championships in New Jersey, sources close to IOC President Thomas Bach confirmed yesterday that he was to launch an investigation in how ‘a sport as fundamentally soulless and boring as golf’ had been approved as an Olympic sport.
‘Yesterday morning the President was guest of honour at the US PGA Championships – one of golf’s four majors’ said a press spokesman ‘unfortunately, Mr Bach left after 33 minutes as he became very bored’.
IOC officials are scrambling to get their stories straight after Bach sent word from his plane that he was to fly back to Lausanne immediately to ‘discuss the matter’. One junior staffer told reporters that there was widespread concern that Mr Bach might discover that synchronized swimming is still an Olympic event.
Saying that it had been ‘a long two years’ since the World Cup and the last time the West’s entire media operation descended on his home in Rio’s favelas to take pictures and pat him on the head, 16 year-old Juan confirmed this morning that he was looking forward to the Olympics.
‘In 2014 I had maybe ten or twelve camera crews come through my house every week whilst the football was on’ said Juan who lives with his parents and four brothers. ‘They always wanted me to look sad and afterwards would hug me and whisper that everything would be OK,’ continued the teenager who catches a bus to school each day like millions of other children around the world.
Juan – who aims to go to college to study architecture – added that whilst he was flattered by the interest, he had no plans to ‘be adopted’ by any of the numerous multi-millionaires that had made offers since the World Cup.
Recalling how he ‘dabbled’ with the event when a schoolboy, 42 year-old NHS procurement manager John Jenkins has been telling colleagues how excited he is about the men’s hammer throw for the past couple of months.
‘John is really into his athletics’ said Sally Nugent who shares an open plan office with Jenkins ‘if you ask him to pass you something, he’ll often stand up as if he is about to hurl it across the room. Sometimes he’ll demand to know the world record just to make you a cup of tea. I think he made a final or something as a schoolboy’.
Jenkins – who has already booked August 19th as annual leave to watch the event – has reportedly been promising to ‘roll back the years’ and visit the local athletics club for some months. It is understood that ‘just as soon as his bad shoulder clears up’, he will join up straight away.
Vincius – one of the two Rio 2016 mascots – has died during a publicity trip to São Paulo. The Olympic mascot was understood to be struggling to adapt to the pressures of global media attention and had recently separated from a long-term girlfriend.
‘It is with great sadness that we confirm the death of Vincius’ said a Rio 2016 official, ‘Police discovered him in the early hours of this morning at the São Paulo Marriott hotel. Resuscitation efforts were tragically unsuccessful’. Adding that Vincius was ‘a special talent who is totally irreplaceable’, the spokesman asked that the privacy of Vincius’ family be respected ‘at this most difficult of times’.
Vincius – who was one third cat, one third monkey and one third bird – was seen touring São Paulo bars in the early hours of the morning. CCTV showed the mascot visibly upset and unsteady on his paws as he returned to his penthouse suite with several bottles of cachaça. Police have said that they are not looking for anyone else in connection with his death.