RIO ROUND-UP #3

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General view of the Rio Olympic Stadium during the Men's 3000m steeplechase final Athletics test event in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, Saturday, May 14, 2016. The track and field test event is the last of more than 40 tests events for the Rio de Janeiro Olympics with the games opening in less than three months. The three-day test event ends Monday at Olympic Stadium in the northern neighborhood known as Engenho de Dentro. (AP Photo/Felipe Dana)
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RIO ROUND-UP #3

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USAIN BOLT’S SHOULDERS FINALLY GIVE OUT AFTER YEARS OF SUPPORTING TRACK AND FIELD

Collapsing on the ground at Rio de Janeiro’s international airport, Usain Bolt’s solid frame finally surrendered to the weight of propping up athletics for nearly a decade.

Doctors rushing to Bolt’s aid confirmed that 100 and 200 metre world record holder’s body had taken too much and could no longer support a discredited and dying sport all on its own. ‘Unfortunately, over eight years of single-handedly taking such a heavy weight Mr. Bolt’s tired body has finally surrendered’ said a doctor observing the slumped 1.95m Jamaican being supported by emergency paramedics.

‘We haven’t even begin to take into account what a mental toll this torture has caused’ continued the medic as Bolt – now in an embryonic position on the airport floor – wailed uncontrollably and demanded his childhood teddy bear.

DAD PREPARING FOR VILLAGE FUN RUN LIKE IT’S THE BLOODY OLYMPICS

Saying that he had recently started drinking a protein shake after each of his thrice weekly four mile runs, Midhurst father-of-three John Jenkins is reportedly preparing for next weekend’s 3 mile village fun run like it is the Olympic final.

‘Dad finished fourth last year’ said 15 year-old daughter Katherine ‘and he keeps telling Mum that he is determined to ‘medal’ this time around’. Adding that her father’s decision to stretch his hamstring whilst waiting to collect her from school was ‘really embarrassing’, Katherine was looking forward to ‘the whole thing being over’.

At press time, 44 year-old Jenkins was doing strides in the back garden in a bid to improve his ‘top end speed’.

TIRED GLOBAL POPULACE NOT SURE IT WOULD COPE WITH OLYMPICS DESCENDING INTO SCANDAL

Representatives of the world’s population have today warned that they are unsure as to whether it could deal with Rio 2016 becoming a farcical disaster riddled with cheating and corruption.

‘We’ve got global warming. We’ve got terrorism. We’ve got war. We’ve got Brexit. We’ve got guns. We’ve got Trump’ said a concerned member of the world’s 7 billion inhabitants. ‘Once every four years we look forward to seeing a guy run really fast and then getting all misty eyed about a girl we’ve never heard of doing well in the canoeing or something. If that gets ruined, well, that might be it’.

Shaking his head at just the thought of stadiums not being finished, mass protests, drug scandals or yet another Lord Coe press conference, a representative of the world’s animal kingdom confirmed that they too ‘were really worried’ the Olympics would not save 2016 from disaster.

REFUGEE OLYMPIC TEAM WASHES UP ON RIO BEACH

The Refugee Olympic team has arrived safely in Brazil following a tortuous Atlantic crossing in an inflatable life raft.

The 10 athletes – all chosen to represent the displaced peoples of the world – were forced to board their life raft on the coast of Portugal three weeks ago. ‘It is a miracle that they are all here’ beamed a waiting IOC official on Copacabana Beach, ‘it just goes to show how we don’t need Russian cheats. This is the Olympic movement in action’.

The IOC official refused to address the issue that it was probably hypocritical and cynical to invite a group of stateless athletes to highlight ‘Olympic Spirit’, all the while making a large number of Rio locals homeless in order to construct the Olympic village.