RIO ROUND-UP #4

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RIO ROUND-UP #4

General view of the Rio Olympic Stadium during the Men's 3000m steeplechase final Athletics test event in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, Saturday, May 14, 2016. The track and field test event is the last of more than 40 tests events for the Rio de Janeiro Olympics with the games opening in less than three months. The three-day test event ends Monday at Olympic Stadium in the northern neighborhood known as Engenho de Dentro. (AP Photo/Felipe Dana)

General view of the Rio Olympic Stadium during the Men's 3000m steeplechase final Athletics test event in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, Saturday, May 14, 2016. The track and field test event is the last of more than 40 tests events for the Rio de Janeiro Olympics with the games opening in less than three months. The three-day test event ends Monday at Olympic Stadium in the northern neighborhood known as Engenho de Dentro. (AP Photo/Felipe Dana)

OLYMPIC ROWING BAY TURNS RED AFTER BRUTAL SHARK ATTACK

The water in the Olympic rowing area has turned dark red after a shark broke through the protective nets and attacked the Australian coxless fours boat. The boat was seen to rock violently as panicking rowers attempted to swat away the enormous Great White Shark.

‘It was a real shock,’ said one visibly shaken spectator. ‘The race was going as normal and the Aussies were leading. Then: BAM!’ Eye witnesses went on to describe how organisers scrambled to get a gun to shoot the shark but made matters worse after mistakenly shooting one of the rowers, Will Lockwood, in the shoulder.

At press time, all rowers were being treated in hospital as a school of hungry Great Whites was bearing down on the sailing venue.

OLYMPIC STADIUM ‘NOT DESIGNED TO BE THIS EMPTY’

Rio 2016 organisers were thrown into chaos this afternoon after no one turned up to watch the first daytime session of the athletics.

Despite scheduling the women’s 10,000m final for this usually low key session, IAAF chiefs were desperately trying to pack interns into the stadium this morning to ‘try and make it look popular’.

The stadium designers were more concerned at the security implications of a stadium with less than 100 spectators in it. ‘This stadium was meant to be full. It looks dangerously under capacity to me,’ said lead architect Raul Pedro Mendez. ‘I pray there isn’t an emergency or it will be a catastrophe’.

After being told that the afternoon session climaxed with the final of the race walking, Mendez went white and had to be excused.

COE CRITIC ‘ACCICENTALLY SHOT’ AT FINAL OF RIFLE COMPETITION

An IAAF secretary who criticised the illegibility of Lord Coe’s writing has suffered leg injuries after being shot at the final of the 50m men’s rifle competition.

Laura Gomez complained to other administrative staff that she ‘struggled to understand’ Coe’s scrawl and that it ‘added hours’ to her working days. It is not known how Coe discovered such criticism, but Gomez was presented with a pair of tickets to the Olympic shooting (all expenses paid) later that afternoon.

An IAAF statement said that Gomez was ‘doing fine’ and that the tickets were ‘a reward to show how much the IAAF values loyalty’. It is understood that BBC Panorama journalist Mark Daly has since returned his free tickets to the archery.

MUM WEIRDLY OBSESSED WITH CHRISTOPHE LEMAITRE

Despite having no interest in track and field athletics since watching the Paris Diamond League on television, Bedfordshire mother Sally Jenkins has defended her decision to pay thousands of pounds to fly her entire family to Rio in order to ‘be a bit closer’ to French sprinter, Christophe Lemaitre.

‘We were supposed to be going to Crete for our holiday’ said 15 year-old daughter Katherine. ‘But then Mum saw the Paris race and has been talking about some guy called Christophe ever since. Now we have to go all the way to Brazil’. Adding that she caught her mother on the computer looking through photographs of a topless Lemaitre, Katherine conceded that she was ‘a little creeped out’ by the whole thing.

The Jenkins family do not have tickets for any of the Olympic events and are yet to have found accommodation. Sally has, however, worked out precisely where Lemaitre will be sleeping in the Olympic village and was seen packing a sleeping bag and a French phrase book.